Six Simple Communication Tools for Couples
Effective communication is a vital part of all relationships and is an essential nutrient of any healthy romantic relationship. All relationships have crests and troughs; but a healthy communication style is key for navigating the troubled waters that all relationships will encounter. We often hear how important communication is, but not how we can use good communication in our relationships. Here are six simple communication tools for couples. These tools will be most effective if both partners agree to use them. Above all, when there is goodwill in a relationship and these tools are being used from a place of love and respect they tend to work quite well.
Process your feelings before verbalizing them: It’s important to define the core of the feeling before verbalizing it to your partner. Before starting a conversation about an important and potentially upsetting issue, we must process our own feelings on the subject and remove the outsized emotional valence. Otherwise, we are going in with the wrong information and anger; we want to go in with the right information and love. This can look like journalling your feelings about the situation or sitting in silence with them until they begin to crystalize into a unified and consistent feeling. Half of the time when we do this we notice that the feeling had little to do with the other and more to do with us. Nonetheless; processing time typically always makes the delayed response more positive and productive.
Timing: Set aside a particular time of day to work through issues, or if it’s an urgent issue check in with your partner to make sure that they are capable of being totally present during a tough conversation. It’s as simple as carving out 30 min at a set time to talk about issues. Or saying, “There’s something I need to talk about, when is a good time for us to sit down and talk about it”. When one partner wants to talk and the other doesn’t we are setting ourselves up for failure; ensure that both people are ready and willing to engage in important conversation.
Use the Formula: We’ve all heard some version of this and intuitively know that we should be doing it when communicating, but we rarely do. The classic formula is: I feel _____________ (insert emotion/feeling word such as frightened, overwhelmed, disrespected, ignored, etc) when you do ______________ (specific action, statement, or event) And what I need is ___________ (specific behavior change, alternative response, or call to action). Intentions matter here, this can easily turn into a weapon in a conversation but if the intention is pure the message will be as well.
Listen Deeply: When our partner is communicating, we often find ourselves responding in our head even before we begin to speak. We are often building the next thing we are going to say before they have gotten to the end of their sentence. This is dangerous because it does two things. One, it literally prevents us from hearing and understanding our partner. Two, we end up responding to bits and pieces of the first part of their message that have been interpreted out of context. Focus all your loving attention on the person who is speaking and wait until they are done before responding. Even if what we have isn’t perfectly planned out; the potency of having absorbed completely what our partner has just said will guide and inform our response.
Speak for yourself: Talk about your experience, your feelings, your thoughts, your behaviors. Don't speak for your partner or make assumptions about what they think or feel. If you want to know how your partner feels, listen to them. Don't analyze, mind read, or play therapist. Share who you are with your partner and allow your partner to share who they are with you. Many communication problems begin with the assumptions we make about the inner world of the person we care about. Be aware of the tendency to project your own feelings onto your partner. Be patient, receptive, and curious.
Press Pause: Dialogue is impossible when we are over-stimulated. Know your own boiling point, the point when your emotions are so strong you can't constructively dialogue with your partner anymore. Have a prearranged agreement to take breaks when either one of you have reached your boiling point. Have an agreed upon ‘safety word’ to use to indicate you need a break. Come back when blood pressures are down. Time out strategies must include an agreed upon length of time after which you return to continue.